My husband Ed is making noise about taking an early retirement buyout, so in order to keep him from my father’s fate—watching TV all day waiting for my mother to come home from work to make him dinner—I’ve come up with a few second-career opportunities in the franchise world for him:

—Bed warmer at Holiday Inn: A Holiday Inn in London is actually offering “human bed warmers,” a free five-minute service in keeping with the philosophy that a warm bed is easier to fall asleep in. The employee’s uniform is white, fleecy coveralls (hopefully with a padlocked zipper) and stocking cap, according to The Daily News. Job duties include rolling around in bed to generate heat between frigid sheets. Enough said.

—Tattoo removal franchisee: When my son was 12 and really into the rock group, Guns ‘N Roses, I told him that if he made it to 25 with no tattoos, I’d pay him $10,000. Fortunately, Zack didn’t make me sign anything, because he lived up to his end of the bargain. My mistake, however, was not making the same offer to his sisters. Therefore, if Ed became a franchisee of Tattoo Removal America, he could train on his offspring. But he wouldn’t have to stop with pro bono work: The FDA estimates that 45 million Americans have at least one tattoo. My daughters exceed the minimum. On a positive note, I can say with pride that neither daughter got her tats in prison.

—Jewelry franchisee at the IFA convention: The snow storms that caused wives with sick children or wives having birthdays to resent their husbands enjoying cocktail parties, warmer weather and sleep-filled nights created the need for jewelry buying before returning home. This would be a perfect biz op for Ed. Hopefully the franchisor has a training program, because Ed has no experience in this area.

—George Clooney impersonator. Oh, wait. That’s not a franchise.